“I’m not sure I remember,” I said. “I do recall my mom giving me a set of books on puberty, sex, and stuff when I was nine, I think. I sort of had an idea about sex before that, you know, that boys and girls were different and that the parts somehow went together. I can’t say for sure when I figured that out, but it was before then. The books had clear drawings, though it was all stylized outline drawings, not realistic.”“And what did you think?”“Not much, really. It was clinical and I wasn’t really having any feelings at that point.”“When was the first time you masturbated?”“I would guess when I was twelve. But not very often. I didn’t have the urge regularly.”“What gave you the urge?”“Thinking about certain actresses or looking at a friend’s dad’s Playboy magazines. But I really didn’t have many opportunities to see those.”“What about your first girlfriend?”I chuckled, “I was three! To be honest, from my earliest memories, there was always a special girl, except for brief periods,. All these nights I fantasized this. I fantasized him coming to me and holding me, where I barely slept for I dreamed so much about it. God his arms felt so right around me, that I nearly caved. ‘What about my parents?’ I questioned. ‘Sleeping.’ His voice was calm and soothing. ‘My brother?’ I was getting pissed, but his calmness was starting to rub off on me. All I wanted to do was curl into him and lay there with him forever. ‘Sleeping.’ His warm breath ran over my neck, leaving goose bumps in its wake, tickling over my ear and my cheek. I grounded my teeth in frustration. ‘I’m sorry I put you in such grief, but you have to learn.’ ‘Learn what?’ I demanded. ‘Learn that I shouldn’t have done what I did to those guys? That I shouldn’t be such a tease or hard to get? I learned, I give!’ Silence only answered me, only his steady breathing washing over me came. ‘I want you . . . what more do you want?’ Just like the first time I said that, there was so much emotion in that statement that.
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